I was asked the following question by a parent who read my book “Raising Asp-Holes, The Lafaya Way:”

Q:    It says in the book that Aspie kids tend to get more frustrated when you try to speak softly when you are feeling very upset internally. So, how should I say what I need to say without yelling or speaking in an upset way?

A:    Well the “honest truth” is that it can be very difficult to manage the balance. However, here are a couple of suggestions on what to do in upsetting situations.

• Gain your internal calm before addressing the child. When you yourself need a time out in order to gain your composure, please do so. It not only helps to prevent you from inadvertently increasing the intensity of the situation by exposing your sensitive child to all of your anxious feelings (the reasons for avoiding this dynamic are explained in detail in the “Raising Asp-Holes, The Lafaya Way” book), it also models for your child that it is okay to take a moment and clam down before addressing an upsetting situation.
• If you absolutely must address the child at the moment the upsetting event has occurred preface what you are going to say with words such as,

“I know that it may feel like I am very upset with you when I say this to you, but my goal is to help you to… (get to what you ultimately want, keep you from getting yourself into trouble, help you feel better so that you don’t feel worse than you already do, etc.).     *special note: your words have better impact when you speak to helping the Aspie child get what he/she ultimately wants rather than how they make you or others feel (“Raising Asp-Holes, The Lafaya Way” also offers more in-depth information as to why that is).

Or preface what you say with, “I am going to try not to yell because I know how much you hate that…(whatever correction you need to make).

The ultimate goal is to make sure that your hypersensitive Aspie child is not identifying you to be a “fake” person because what you are saying out of your mouth and what you are feeling inside is in-congruent. When the child identifies you as a fake this will often have the effect of them feeling like you hate them and are just trying to be nice because you feel like you are supposed to. This leads to them identifying you as dishonest and untrustworthy and can further elicit the misbehavior that you were trying to avoid in the first place by speaking quietly.

To learn more about the new and groundbreaking philosophy on how to like and produce better results with ASD and an ASD traits child and for information, insights and the first book, “Raising Asp-Holes, The Lafaya Way,”

Get Raising Asp-Holes – The Book